My Weight Loss Journ... Roller Coaster!

**Disclaimer* Please note, I am not saying that anyone should be a certain weight, or shape, or size. This is just my own journey to what I felt that I wanted to be and what made me feel healthy and happy. I am not trying to make a comment on what people should or shouldn't weigh or look like.*

I have always loved food.

My mind suddenly went blank... that's about it really... I love food!

But no, I'll go into more detail... So, growing up, I was never what someone would call skinny. I was just about slim for a brief period in my teens after my growth spurt, but (and my sisters will get annoyed with me for saying this), I was always the largest of the 4 girls in my family. They are all so delicate and slim and gorgeous.

I have chunky legs and knees, so I like to tell myself that's it's just the way I'm built. I went through a bit of a chubby stage in my early teens after discovering puddings at my secondary school! There are two photos which completely haunt me... and seeing as I'm giving a 100% honest account of my weight, I'll include them, one I had to dig up from an old album because it's never made it online... or public before!

I probably don't need to tell you that I'm the girl 2nd from left (Esther was very heavily pregnant at the time). Why do we all look so confused in this photo??
I hate this picture... not only is my tummy all bulgy, but uuggh... I clearly was just reaching puberty! Those 'midgey bites' as one of my lovely sisters called them *cringe*
This next picture was on a great family holiday in Sheringham, I was 13 at the time:

Yuck yuck yuck. Also... how awesome of a dresser was I?! dungarees, baggy t-shirt and a jumper tied round my waist - so cool! The only good thing about this photo is my lovely grandpa standing behind me.
Anywho, thankfully puberty properly hit a few months later and I stretched a bit! The funny thing is that throughout my teens and early 20s I always thought I was still on the chunky side (it's my damned fat knees!) Looking back though, this meme 100% applies:

I mean seriously - how the hell did I think I was overweight?? I think I was around 9 1/2 stone back then

Anyway, unsurprisingly after Adam and I got married, we both did the very stereotypical thing of getting "fat and happy". Initially it was thanks to the stupid contraception pill, I'd got to around 10 stone on the wedding day.

In the next couple years, when I say "fat", I mean I put on about a stone or so.

It wasn't anything so bad that anyone said anything (except potentially my cheeky mother, who might have made a joking comment perhaps?), but I knew that I was bigger than I should have been. We were happy enough though, and so continued the roller coaster (or maybe more of a slow upward hill, with a the occasional down slope, journey) of my weight. I was probably pushing 11 stone when we got pregnant with JD, but thanks to the constant sickness throughout the entire pregnancy (uuugh... being pregnant is not a "magical time" for me!), I didn't actually gain a massive amount of weight in those 9 months.

A year or so later we were introduced to the Southbeach diet, which whilst immensely strict and severe (we're talking shakes and headaches for the first few days - uuugh not fun), it really really does work, and after doing that I got to pre-baby weight (and maybe a little lower)

Southbeach is a diet where you basically cut out all carbs and sugar for 2 weeks - including any natural sugars like fruit etc. It's craaaazy but seriously works, I lost just over a stone in the initial 2 weeks (back to around 10 1/2 stone). The issue with that one is that whilst there are "next steps", you get that excited to be able to have a little more sweetness, you just go crazy and it goes to pot! I actually got pregnant with JJ a few months after the above picture, so was happy to be able to forget about weight loss for a while. This pregnancy still had the constant nausea, but I discovered that if I snacked on and off throughout the day, then I wasn't actually physically sick quite so often (more like once a day rather than two or three times) - which is great, I hate being sick! But, it did mean that I was quickly putting on weight. After having Joey I got to my highest weight that I'd ever been. I was pushing 12 stone. I chose not to focus on it for the first year though (I think we should all cut ourselves some slack after having a baby - these celebs that go back within a few weeks must nearly kill themselves - how on earth are you supposed to look after a screaming newborn if you cant indulge in chocolate?!)

Once Joey turned one, I started thinking that maybe it was time that I think about dropping down my weight a bit... and then my sister Bethany uploaded a photo to the book of face that utterly horrified me...

Now this top has never been particularly flattering - but wow! That was the kick up the buttocks that I needed! Big A and I decided to do what we knew worked - Southbeach diet. You know what? I always thought I was 11stone 6lb when I started that diet, but in retrospect, I'm sure I lost a stone and a half on it, and at the end of it, I was 10 stone 5lb, so I must have been even heavier - pushing 12 stone I'd say (I probably just avoided the scales!) I got all the shakes, headaches and misery that comes with the diet, but it felt worth it... and then the inevitable happened, slowly, the weight crept back on. I did the fasting diet (or 5:2) to try to maintain my 10 stone 5lb, but you cant cut down to 500kal a day on 2 days, but eat like a pig on the 5 others - we used to regularly buy a share bag of chocolate each night, and whilst living with my mum, we were lucky enough to get to go out on regular dates (what with having a live-in baby sitter!), and our dates are usually going out for a meal - ooooh so many delicious meals! We also went on holiday a couple times - and I don't hold back on food when I go on holiday! The lowest I got to last year was 10 stone 1lb - after yet another Southbeach stint (we're creatures of habit!) - this was before Christmas 2015, our theory was that if we lost weight, we could go crazy at Christmas and not feel bad about it! haha! Perfect sense right? :)

I was properly happy with my weight for the first time in years. At 10 stone 1lb, I was finally so so close to my weight when we were first married- I had really really wanted to get into the "9s", but for now I was happy with just over 10.

I feel like I've been droning on for far too long on this post... I just wanted to express how much of a constant battle it's been - I want you to know that you're not alone if you aren't the kind of person who just stops a few treats and the flab disappears, or the "just having kids keeps the weight off" (uuuuugh I hate people who say that!!), and don't get me started on the "breastfeeding should do everything you need" - that did NOT work for me, and I nursed them both for at least 9 months (12 with JD) and it made no difference.

I'm nearly done I swear.

In late Arpil I started working at Tesco, a few of the people I befriended attended slimming world, and it had really worked for them. I kept saying "oh I should give that a go", but I had a few holidays to have first - Venice for my 30th

and France in July

I think I've said in previous blogs that when we go away, we do food properly!

I got back (substantially heavier than when we left) and decided it was time I actually try again to get into the "9s". I had wanted this for so so long, and thought that maybe if I actually paid to weigh in each week, it might be the motivation I needed. I signed up to Slimming World at the end of July 2016, and set my target at 9 St 12lb. That way, I had a couple pounds leeway once I (hopefully) reached it. On the first weigh in I was 11 stone (this was a shock!! I hadn't realised how much I'd put on in France!) But I was determined to do it 100%. This was a much less severe diet to Southbeach, and if I planned properly, I could even have a treat now and then - my go-to sweet treat was a 1 finger twirl - delicious cadbury chocolate, but only 6 syns (you're allowed 5-15 a day). I think I'll do a separate post with full details of my slimming world "journey", but it really really did work.

I got to September and had reached my target! I was FINALLY in the 9s! I was (am) so so so happy to have finally done it!! The big test was trying on a dress which hadn't fit me in years - one that I was wearing when Adam decided he wanted to pursue things with me...

(October 2007)

 ...and it went on!! Without a fight!!

I was a little bit excited as you can see 😄

I decided that, seeing as I was in the habit of "food optimising" (what they call dieting on Slimming World), and that I was used to the £4.95 per month, that I would lower it just to see if I was physically capable of being any lighter. On slimming world, you're only allowed to lower it a minimum of 1/2 stone, so the new target (rather nervously) was set at 9st 5lb. 

It took me longer this time, the weight loss was more like 1lb a week, and one week I gained, but eventually (last week) I reached target!

 I cannot tell you how happy I am with it. I have every intention of eating properly at Christmas, but until then, Slimming World really is a genuinely manageable... and enjoyable (!)... way to eat - still got my twirls hidden away! 

And now I can eat more cake.... Right?

Parenting Fails

You know those moments that we have, where you want the ground to swallow you whole? Or when you just feel like an utterly terrible parent? Or you just think... Who on Earth thought it was a smart idea to entrust me with sproglets?! 

I'm sure we've all had them - right? They don't always make it to the "Facebook show off" moments, or the "Pinterest pretty posts". Well - I'll hold my hand up and own a fair few:

The Late Parent

Oh my freaking hell, who thought it was a good idea to have school in the morning? Surely it should be something that starts at about 10.30/11ish? To give us all a chance to actually get our butts into gear and out the house on time? No no... 8.50 at the school gate, 8.55 the big doors close and lock. Well clever old me thought I was never going to have the dreaded walk to reception to sign my child in late - I live a stone's throw from the school gates - literally, I could knock someone out at the school gates from my door if I felt so inclined (Watch out snotty parent who I will refer to later!!). In theory it takes me about 30 seconds to get there, but I live on a very busy main road (like constant cars going past - if I wake up at 2am, there are still idiots racing past in their suped up cars, chopped off exhausts - or whatever makes that damned noise, trying their best to keep me awake through my supposedly double glazed windows - apparently I live in the nice part of this town too - ugh! I think I'm a bit too much of a country girl [see this post to see a picture of the home I grew up in] so am still not 100% used to traffic noise... I digress...)

My busy road means that the vast majority of the time it takes more like 2-3 mins to get to school. Not a problem you might think... surely she leaves herself ample time to get there... she's lived on this road for a year-ish now, surely she allows the time - bahahaaa!! No. It's the same issue as I had at university - I knew that I could do an essay weeks before it was due, I knew it was a lot less stressful, I knew it would be written in a more academic way, I knew I would feel better about it... but without fail, I would be up all night (literally) the night before my 4000 word essay was due in, desperately tapping away at some women's rights in a Bronte novel or such like - because I knew I could. I knew I could get away with it and still get a decent mark (2:1 overall ladies and gents - aaah-thank-you-very-much). 

It's the same with this dratted school run - I'm always the mother running up the pavement as the other more relaxed parents leisurely walk past having already deposited their child, some smiling at me in amusement, some looking appraisingly at me, others clearly congratulating themselves on their superior parenting skills (that final one might just be in my own head). 

One of the early weeks that I hadn't fully got used to the whole thing, I was casually sorting out my hair at 8.40, thinking I had another 20 minutes until I needed to leave when it suddenly crashed into my head that school started at 8.50 not 9!! Uuuggh... the kids weren't even dressed!! Anyone seen Pride and Prejudice? "Hill!!! Where is Hill???" is about the right description for the next 10 mins in our home. But I just about managed to get there at 8.55 before the doors closed, and she made the fatal mistake of telling me that they can arrive up until that time. Idiot me then readjusted my mind of thinking what time I could get out the house - and so a few days later thinking I had until 8.55, I was about to leave and JJ decided it was time to fill his damned nappy - Whyyyy didn't I just let it squish into his bum for the 10 mins of school drop off and walk home?? Oh yes, I was trying to be a good parent - idiot! So after changing the said stinkiness, I tear down the road towards the school, and as it turns out, they 100% mean that 8.55 is cut off, I was literally there at 8.56... but the doors were locked! We were stood there like poor children looking in through a frosted up window at a rich man's house eating his big fat dinner - poor old JD was very confused as to why the doors were shut. I'd never experienced this before, so had to trudge around to reception, where the lady pointed at the late book... ooooh the humiliation! Poor child will have that on his permanent record - when he goes for job interviews at the age of 30, they'll look back at school reports and refuse him the job because his silly old mother wasn't organised enough to get out the house on time. 

Thankfully I haven't been that late again... I'm still the one running up at 8.54, but so far so good. 

The Forgetful Parent

Is it just me, or does a school send home a STUPID amount of paperwork?! They must be responsible for a fair chunk of our carbon footprint with the amount of letters they send home. Well one of them was about an own clothes day for school fundraising. I did actually read the letter (I do try to), and had even decided what he could wear for it (needed to select one of the very few trousers with no holes in the knees), buuut guess who forgot on the actual Friday. Yep - this loser! Poor child! Thankfully he's not old enough for it to be the ultimate embarrassment- give that a few years. Anyway, after this event, I was determined to not forget the next one. We got another letter a few weeks later saying that for Children in Need this year, they were collecting money into a big treasure box, and then for one of the days, Pudsy bear was coming in to collect all the money and they could all dress as pirates for it. I wrote it on my personal calendar this time, got all the outfit sorted, got him dressed that morning - he looked so sweet:

He really has the "Aa-haar" look going (I actually think it was because the patch was irritating his eye).

So we toddle off to school (late as usual), all pleased with myself for actually remembering a non-school-uniform day this time... I noticed a couple of the other late children didn't seemed dressed up, but I wasn't sure if it was just a reception class thing, and those kids seemed a bit older. The closer I got to the school, the more the dread started to build, there were definitely no other children dressed up... surely not this many could forget? No... no... it was me. I spoke to the teaching assistant at the classroom door, and yes.. I'd got it wrong - not by a day, no no, not even two. An entire week!! It wasn't happening until the following Wednesday (at least I got the name of the day right... just a week apart). Uuughghhh the humiliation. It was also too late to take him home to change without incurring the late book's wrath again (told you I was always late), thankfully the very very lovely teacher said he could stay in his gear if he would like for the day - which he 100% did. So he got to be a pirate randomly for the day! Oh... also, the reason I'd seen that date was because they were switching their PE day to that Wednesday, aaand guess who was so focused on pirate gear, she didn't send the PE kit! 

Oh my freak... literally as I'm writing this, I've just remembered that I was supposed to send a change of clothes for forest school today and I forgot! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!

Later that week there was a phonics tutorial for the parents... you know where this is headed don't you? I'd cancelled some other plans I had so that I could get there... then the day came and went... totally forgot! Didn't remember until the day after! 

I'm blaming my current job - I have to be up for a 5 or 6am start 4 days a week... so the lack of sleep is totally scrambling my brain! 

The Rude Child

The other week, I'd let JD play on the school obstacle course whilst I read through the mountain of letters sent home that day, I could see him waiting for a little girl to move out the way, she'd just been stood in one place for ages, just hanging on some rings. JD isn't the most patient of children, so I called over "be kind, wait your turn", and got on with reading, and then made some joking comment to another mother about how the children seemed like magnets to this climbing frame. Next thing I hear is another mother coming over and saying "Does he have no manners at all?!" Excuse me what? What was that? I turn to her and politely ask "Pardon?", in a very rude and condescending way she replies "Your son, he just told my daughter to 'get out of the way' - that's the second time he's done that now" and with that she was about to walk away. I wish I'd had the bravery to say "firstly, you are being rude - do you have no 'manners'?, and secondly, your freaking precious only child was hanging on there for ages, why weren't you aware of it and asking her to move out the way whilst the 3 other boys were trying to get past", but all I managed was "umm, no no, please wait and I'll ask him to apologise", so I go over and get a very annoyed JD over and ask him to say sorry - normally he's quite good at saying sorry, but not this time of course, no no, there was a superior mother watching, so of course firstly he shouted "No! I don't want to" and tried to run away, and then when he finally did say sorry, it was very much not in a contrite manner. So her assumption that I was a bad parent was probably cemented at that. I was utterly humiliated, and since then have been making every effort to arrive at school at bang on 3pm rather than being there any earlier so as not to accidentally make eye contact with her... or maybe I should. I tell you what, we're supposed to support each other in this parenting malarkey, I've always been the parent who says "not to worry, it's fine" if a child hits mine, or "ah, kids will be kids" if one snatches something away from one of the boys. It's no wonder I'm a hermit most the time - other adults are just too much hassle! 

I'm joking... mostly 😏