So the point is, we're all in our happy place! I thought now would be a good time to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard!) about how parenthood and raising kids has some seriously and horribly awful moments as well as the good ones. Why am I doing it? Because I find it very reassuring to know that other people actually find it difficult too and it's okay not to love every aspect.
Newborns
What the freaking hell!? After the first few days of the "baby bubble", the sheer panic and terror sets in. I have brought an actual human into this world and I am now partly responsible for the first 20+ years of shaping him into who he's going to be! If I screw this up he could become a serial killer!! I don't want to be the mother of the next Jack the Ripper! Damn it's a lot of responsibility!!
The crying!! oh my heavens, the crying... JD was a reeeeal cryer - he was cute as a button - I mean, look at this face:
But by heck could the boy cry! This Christmassy picture (when he was about 3 months old), is quite appropriate actually, he spent the vast majority of our first Christmas crying! It was not the "magical first baby Christmas" that you dream about - nope! It was a nightmare... with a few cute pictures when he was in a milk coma!
On a serious note... There were genuinely times when he had been crying for what seemed like forever, that I would just sit there and cry too, not from just being upset for him, but also for how much I felt sorry for myself that this was my life now, from sheer exhaustion, from (I imagine, though I never officially recognised it) mild depression from being stuck in the house with a crazy child, from the pain of breastfeeding (more on that in a second), from the horrific thoughts that would sweep through my head - I once genuinely had a fleeting desire to throw him out the window... I do sometimes wonder if that's what crazy people experience - just without the rational part of the brain going, "no... that's a silly idea, firstly it would make a horrible mess, secondly, you actually love this child". Anyway... the point is, there was crying on both sides... and to anyone reading this with a newborn... it's okay to cry for yourself as well as them!The Breastfeeding - I know this isn't an option for everyone (for a whole multitude of reasons!) but I wanted to include it because it was HARD!! Really really tough! Whilst with JJ it took less time to stop hurting, with JD it felt like razor blades slicing my nipples for the first 8 weeks! The pain... oh the pain!! It was only through sheer stubbornness (and slight peer pressure from my sisters being able to do it) that I got through that Hell-hole of the first couple months! There was more crying in that time too! I remember a particularly horrible time when I'd been bleeding, and then JD had the audacity to then puke up most of what I'd got into him (he was quite a "sicky" baby), and the puke was spotted with red/brown and I was repulsed by what he'd been drinking - blood mixed with milk (no wonder he brought it back up!!)
Oh and to say nothing for the random places I've had to sit to breastfeed - perched on a toilet, hiding in a corner, eating food at a restaurant trying to hide myself whilst eating with one hand (Big A would cut up any of the bigger pieces!). I am so so glad that there's been a push for feeding more publicly, because no one should have to feed their baby in a public toilet or made to feel she has to hide away from the public.
Also... just putting it out there... I never "enjoyed" breastfeeding... people would tell me what a beautiful bonding experience it was, that they so loved the experience of being so connected to their baby... this only happened for me maybe a handful of times... I was very glad to be done with it all after the first year (or 9 months in JJ's case - he just lost interest!)
Toddlers
I was lucky with JD, whilst he was a crazy crying newborn, we never really had proper toddler tantrums from him... noooo, they got saved up for JJ. He really made/makes up for lost experience with my first. I went through a phase of posting "why my kid is crying" pictures... let me share just a few:
I wouldn't let him put his poo covered sock back on!
He asked me to open the sand box... so I opened it!
He asked for weetabix... so I gave him weetabix!
I put the cake batter into the oven!
I think you get the picture... he was a proper little tantrum head... still is to an extent! And as much as you can look back on these times and laugh, they are also utterly soul destroying! Especially when it's in public!
This was a particularly successful destruction 5 mins for him... poor old Willow Tree models! I can't even begin to count the number of times I've super-glued their heads back on!
Hitting - they've both been children that have lashed out physically... I have absolutely no idea why, or where it comes from, my only conclusion is that it is just a phase! Whether it be hitting, biting, pushing, shouting etc, there's something... I remember a particularly humiliating time when I had made the effort to get the bus to town to go to a soft play by myself (and JD obviously - I'm not a weirdo!), this was before I had learnt to drive, so it was quite an effort to get there (I'm not a big fan of going by myself to places), we had been there for about 30 mins, and I'd gone to sit down for a few moments whilst JD played happily with some sponge blocks, and I look up (from just far enough a distance that I couldn't intercede), to see him walk over to a little girl (of maybe 12 months) and just shove her off a perch she was on, she of course fell onto the only hard bit in the room, and her adoring parents gave me the most filthy look (I had run over to get him), whilst I hastily tried to get my verbally stunted child to sign "sorry"... I got him to sit with me for a few mins as a time out, and after some more dirty looks from the parents of the victim, I just decided to leave. The sum total of about 30 mins in a place that it had taken nearly an hour to get to. Oh the joys!
Again, on a serious note, there have been a few times when I just wanted to run away - literally close the door and escape from the constant need for attention and madness. Just a few days away from it all to remember who I am - to not just be "muuuuuummmmmyyyyy", but remember me - that I was a human too at some point who had her own identity. I want you to know that I think it is okay for you to want to remember who that person is. I am in no way condoning actually closing the door and not coming back, but I did once leave the house as soon as my husband came in, and walk for an hour or so to just breathe... In fact, I ended up at a play park and swung on the swings for about 30 mins alone in the dark (I probably looked a bit creepy!), it really did help clear my head actually. I eventually did go back to a rather confused man as I'd left without explanation!
Beyond Toddlerhood
JD is only 5, so I've not had copious amounts of experience of older children. But there have been plenty of challenging moments! Even with the increased communication (which is a massive help!), there are loads of times where I have been utterly sick by the end of the day... whether it is through him being rude to other adults/children, from complete disregard/selective hearing for what I am trying to tell him, the random tantrums here and there, and the whining - oooh the whining - "muuuummmyyyy I want this" "Whyyyy?" "It's not faaaair"
There are plenty of days where I'm tired, I've tried to be a "good mother", and not give them too much screen time, but that's just ended with me wanting to fall asleep from reading too many books, and I think to myself - why did I sign up for this? Why did I chose to tie myself down for the next hundred million years to little people who suck the life out of you?
We all know why... I don't think I need to go into that.
And failing that, you know what... tomorrow is always another day! As a lovely Ms Stacey in Anne of Green Gables says: Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet.
Lots of love to you mummys and daddys out there - just keep breathing, keep trying, and just be there That's all children want anyway. Someone who is there and loves them.
